Re: Colons*

I've said it before and I'll say it again- I understand some marketing teams have such a crappy (that will be funny in a moment) product their only option is to make a cheesy, self-deprecating (or defecating! again, funny in a sec) commercial. I pity the marketeers who are stuck with Pepto Bismol, Mucinex, Tampax, etc. Topping the list of undignified products is Phillips Colon Health. This is a painful commercial to watch thanks to its level of corniness** but I can't just let it go without note, can I? The dude who posted this on YouTube couldn't resist his commentary, right? So how can I be expected to keep from Ad Bitizing it? Clearly, I can't. I also couldn't keep from visiting their website out of morbid curiosity. It's as respectable as possible, and they offer a "forward this to a friend" option! Naturally, I'll be busy looking up my frenemies' email addresses on Facebook for the rest of the night; a colon cleanse would double as a stick up the butt remover, yes? I've got a busy evening ahead of me!


*Did you get that? Or was it too much of a stretch? I was just gagging to use a colon punctuation in my title.
**Oh dear, that could act as a disgusting pun if that's where your head happens to go.

Look At You, Mr. Tattoo!

I cozied up to my computer today to see what's what in the world this Tuesday. Important goings-on: did the Tigers win? (yes!) Any celebrities have a wardrobe malfunction? (no. Boo.) Did my friends post good Facebook statuses? (as always!)
Msn.com clued me in to some important facts straightaway. It turns out the U.S. may have a sexy new Russian spy (any sexy male spies you'd like to send over Russia? to say... mid-Michigan?), some information on the magical world of houseboats, some 4th of July recipes (the traditional red, white, and blue layered jello was excluded from their list! What's up with that?!), and.... click! Click click click as fast as I can on this juicy headline! Jon Gosselin Unveils New Dragon Tattoo!?!? This is the type of golden article I hope to find every time I log on! Forget the Russian spies! This is news. The Gossinator! Gossaroonie! Gossie McGosserson! Some new ink for TLC's biggest Dink. I think he's such a little twerp, but it did remind me of this old yellowbook.com commercial so thank you for that Jon Bon Weenie.


I like this one too. I expected the wifey to hop on yellowbook.com and search for some kind of new job for her husband, but I love that instead she is hooking herself up with some moola in the case of his untimely destruction.

Dancing Queen

I went to a great party over the weekend where I ran into a couple of my old dance instructors. (Yes, you read that right- back in my thinner, more graceful days I was a ballerina. A poor one, but still!) After the obligatory hugs, judgey looks up and down my less than ballerina-y body, and my guilty, "no I'm not dancing anymore" claims, they snagged my Molly. Molly, apparently had talked with them earlier and my instructors informed me she went on pointe for them and! And! She has a "beautiful arch"! My own arch is beautiful by itself, it's true, but any beauty is negated by my stumpy, talentless body. But Mols may still have a shot at Swan Lake! I'll have to undo and redo her insanely impatient personality, but it will be worth it to have another shot at my dream.

Baby your feet readers! Or turn them into bloody, disfigured nubs like Molly's are destined to be.

I'm Buggin'!!

I got a new computer!!!! Weeeeee! Fancy pantsy! It's so cool and fast and the top is shiny, so when it's closed I can stare at super-cute, technologically hip me! I heart it 4eva! Or at least for a couple years until I'm totally bored of it and gagging for a new, cuter, faster gadgie*.

We've been back in Michigan for two plus years now, but on occasion someone will ask me if I liked living in Florida. My canned answer is, "we're happy to be back, but ask me in February and you may get a different answer". Typically, in February, in Michigan, I've already crashed my car and am driving my husband's junk truck we only keep for when I wreck my car. It makes me crazy cranky, so Februarys are not a great month for me up here. The truth is though, I adore Michigan and would not care to live in Florida for an extended period of time. In large part because of the bugs. They are the size of my fist. The only time I was ever semi-happy to see one was when the Jehovah witness who was pushing through my door spotted the wolf spider before me and ran screaming down the driveway. I ran for a bucket, threw it over the spider (we're talking eight-legged St. Bernard beast here), called the exterminator (whose number I had handy from my last encounter with a mini-Iguana), and then my daddy**, naturally. So for my Floridian friends, and all Ad Bitters who have these unwelcome houseguests- this one's for you.


*Gadgie is a word I just made up; it's short for gadget. You likey? Thumbs up or down?
**This was a task I somehow missed in my Father's Day post. Daddies kill bugs for us and comfort us from states away when tarantula-esque bugs are in the house.

A Zapping Frenzy

It seems like every time I turn around these days, there's a new giant toolbox in the news. Every now and then the tools overflow into the (usually) safe haven of commercials. Such is the case with the Dorito guy, who really screws up; happily, the dog's vengeance hits the nail right on the head. The first time I saw this commercial was during the Superbowl- well done Dorito! Here are a few rottens I'd like to get with the zapper:

1. Jordan van der Sloot. King of the toolbox, now king of his slimy, rodent-infested jail cell.
2. Lawrence Taylor. Ew. And $300? You're a cheapskate and again, ew.
3. James Joyce. I've forgiven you. I truly have. Just an itty bitty zap and I think you'll actually feel better for having paid a penance.
4. The folks who cancelled Veronica Mars. I'd like to punch you to the moon!
5. Chad Ochocinco. You annoy me and Ochocinco is a stupid thing to change your name to. ZAP!

Pretty Little Allstate

Allstate appears to be making a big ad push these days- they have the new "mayhem" campaign as well as a new spokesman (in addition to the black dreamy voice guy we've all come to know and love). I love the mayhem puppy commercial, but I thought it was a little weird they claim the "typical" teenage girl would text while driving and then take off after hitting a parked car. I'm sure there's plenty of that going around, but the teenage girl I like to pretend to be is a bit offended!

I also appreciate their use of the word "mayhem" although I've only seen these commercials while watching Pretty Little Liars and I don't need a scary word like "mayhem" coming at me when I have enough horror on my plate. Have you seen PLL yet? I can't believe I've watched it twice now. It freaks my sh** OUT! A pansy like me has no business watching this show; I only watch it when Jim is home, but it seems to make no difference. Apparently my nightmares are out of his jurisdiction. If you're a brave one I highly recommend the show, it's quite compelling. If you're pansy by day and pansier by night, steer clear!

Happy Father's Day Swagger Dads!

No. No! It is too funny! Too funny for television apparently, because I've never seen it on the tube. My super helpful husband stumbled upon it and scored himself beaucoup points (and more importantly (?) a coveted shout-out on Ad Bits!) While I love the Taco Bell music video, (see 8/07/09 post: http://adbits.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-taco-bell-my-love.html) because so often it really is all about the Roosevelts baby, this vide-ad kicks TB's a**. My favorite parts? I love the dangling paci in the beginning, the slo-mo bouncing diapers, the mini piano (which we have, and I'm just curious. How are my babies supposed to achieve their protegee-ness when they only have four keys to work with? Just wondering.), and I love the cupcake reference because like Swagger Mommy, I take an unfounded pride in my cupcake decorating skillz. Holla.

It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

It's WEDDING SEASON!!! There is little I love more than a wedding, and I'm in full-on wedding mode as I have one to attend this Saturday. What does full-on wedding mode mean you ask? Well, first things first, I've conditioned myself so a substantial amount of alcohol can be consumed without getting cut off (that happened at ONE wedding ok? One. Apparently they thought I requested an inappropriate song, when really I would request it whether or not I was sloshy- anyone want to guess what the song was? You win a virtual high-five from me!). Also, dresses and shoes have been borrowed from friends and family so crossover wedding attendees (that is, guests who are at multiple weddings with me throughout the summer) won't see me in the same outfit twice. Address book has been consulted so names of kids, parents, and pets are fresh in my brain; similarly, politically correct tidbits have been prepared for awkward silences (pre-drunkeness of course). For example: "Anyone here Catholic? What's up with your priests molesting all those little boys?" Just kidding! An actual example might be, "Did you know the platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs? Also, the males are venomous."

In honor of the season, here is an awkward wedding moment we've all had:

A DadBit

Are Dads the best or what? They provide for us, grill for us, and build swingsets for us; they teach us how to ride bikes, how to throw a ball, and how to drive (with that one comes learning how to check our oil, change a tire, etc.). Daddies often have to act as Master Disciplinarian ("just wait till your dad gets home!"), but they also act as Fun Buddy ("you're skipping school today- we're going to the ball game!"). Because of kind, respectful Daddies, daughters know what to expect of a guy and sons know the proper way to treat a girl.


Leave it to Oreo, America's favorite cookie, to provide the perfect "in honor of Dads everywhere" commercial. Happy Father's Day Dads!

Forgive Me If I -"CHEESE!"

What I was going to say in the title was please forgive me if I already blogged about this ad. I meant to a bajillion times, but I think it slipped through the giant crack that is my brain. I love it for so many delicious reasons. For one thing, I adore dumb jokes and this spin-off of the old "interrupting cow" joke is priceless.

When I went away to college, I was a nervous wreck I wouldn't make any friends (if only I knew then it's practically impossible not to make friends when you're drunk with 500 of your peers). So, I stocked up on some icebreakers, and when I say icebreakers I mean super lame jokes and one magic trick (on second thought, it's a miracle I made it out with as many friends as I did) Anyway, my jokes were things like, "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? .... Because he was dead!" Hohoho! Or, "Ask me if I'm a red ship. (Person does so- "Are you a red ship?) "Ummm, no." (Look at person like they are freakin' stooooopid!)

But back to the ad... let's break down this block of cheese's joke, shall we?
1. It's good, but a little cheesy.
2. You'd have to be a real square to like this joke (because Cheez-Its are square).
3. You can poke too many holes in this joke (another Cheez-It pun).
4. A little mild if you ask me. And un-American!
5. Pretty funny any way you slice it.

Am I missing some really obvious ones? I feel like I am. Anyway, this has made me good and hungry for some Cheez-Its now, but before signing off I should mention I loved their last slogan ("Get your own box!") but was it or was it not also the slogan for Corn Pops?!!? Mystery!

Template Thoughts?

It has been brought to my attention some readers were having trouble reading Ad Bits. Is this new template better? I wanted something lighter, more summery. Please let me know if this is still hard to read, or takes longer to download, or whatever*.

*Did you know "whatever" was voted the most annoying word in the English language? Whatever that means.

Fun With Sledgehammers

When we first got married, Jim and I bought a fixer-upper. We spent our first night in our little love-nest with sledgehammers, knocking the bathroom shower out. It was the only bathroom in the house, but we were better off living in our own filth than showering in that box of nast. But we didn't stop there (sledgehammering is totally addictive!); once the shower was a pile of tile, we decided to do away with the bathroom walls. Next thing I knew our "bathroom" consisted of a toilet in the middle of our living room (newlyweds, this is one way to get to know your new spouse in a hurry). That year was made up of humbling experience after humbling experience. I didn't know one house could hold such humility (or so many termites!). So this commercial really hits home (haha).






An aside: Am I crazy, or does this girl look a bit like Christina Ricci?

Shine On, J.D.

As you probably know by now, Jimmy Dean, king of microwavable sausage breakfasts, has passed away. They have pretty good commercials, so I've posted a couple in his honor. Jimmy Dean was a hero of mine. I never actually ate any of his food, but he made it, and I respect that. (Pull out your Dummies' Guide to Zoolander for that one readers!)

I hope the company's "out of this world" commercials continue to "orbit" the airwaves Monday through "Sun"day and not just once in a "blue moon". Ugh, I could go on, but I feel totally blasphemous! I'd hate for the ghost of Jimmy Dean to haunt me with a permanent sausage odor in my home! I'm sorry Jimmy Dean! I vow to up my sausage intake- actually, do you make biscuits? Because I prefer biscuits.... I'll check into that. In the meantime, look at me promoting your product here!

Yoohoo For Yahoo

Yahoo, the best thing you could've done was cast this scrawny white boy as your lip-synching rockstar. I also like that it's a completely random commercial that has nothing to do with search engines- relevant commercials are so overrated! What I would like to see though, is a Yahoo commercial in which somebody with a N. Dakotan accent is drinking Yoohoo. Picture this:
Person A: "What are you drinking?"
Person B: "Yoohoo."
Person A: "Is it good? Hey do you know Florence Dittenfried?"
Person B: "Ya. Who?"
Person A: "Yahoo? I've heard that's a great search engine. Can I have a sip of your... what's it called?"
Person B: "Yoohoo"
Person A: "Oh ya." (takes a sip). "Yum. Chocolaty."

Though there is no deliciously, similarly named drink in this commercial, it's still a good one. It may even help out West's career, which is quickly going south.

A Real Pro's Opinion

Today msn.com is featuring a segment The Today Show did on the best commercials of 2009 (not sure if it's Today or msn that's six months late, but whatever). I'm happy to report that the ad specialist (it's ok Today, I had a million things going on and simply don't have the time to act as a guest ad pro on your little ragtag show anyway) they had on advised Old Spice had the best commercial of 2009, with Snickers in the running as well. Both products were recently featured as Ad Bits commercials, although the Old Spice ad they show is not the Neil Patrick Harris one; the point is O.S. has good ads with handsome (if gay) men.

They also touch on a PETA commercial I've never seen but never ever would have put on my blog anyway because dirt and turkey poop will not stop me from eating my Thansgiving turkey, thank you very much.

The Today Show evidently does not want people embedding their clips (I bet that is Matt Lauer's doing- I've always thought he was a bit of a toolbox) so I just have to give you the link: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/37589628#37589628

Wifi (It Doesn't Stand For Wicked Fish!)

It's cause for celebration friends! Ad Bits has gone wireless! This will affect you not at all, but I knew you'd share in my joy. It does mean I can move up a notch or two on the Laze-o-meter and blog about my fave and least fave ads while sitting on my hiney right in front of the TV! Technology is a glorious thing!

I imagine you've been waiting on pins and needles for an Ad Bits entry, forgive my tardiness, but I think you'll forgive me now that you know the archaic conditions I've been working in. A desktop on an actual desk (or cardboard table as it were). Connected to the wall with (gasp!) wires and (ick!) cables! You know how I like to celebrate these little life victories? By eating. One of my favorite things to eat? Cereal. One of my favorite cereals? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Their commercials are a little weird and cannibalistic though. This one below for instance. Cannibalism hasn't been so cool since Pippi Longstocking's dad* came to town.

*Cause he was a cannibal, remember? Or was it Hannibal...? Huh. Pippi rocked those braids though, right?

I've Got News For You Walter Cronkite

My favorite movie is Zoolander. I took it to the hospital with me when I had Molly. I've heard of some people bringing their wedding photos to help them through the pain, but I couldn't think of anything that would take my mind off the giant kid making her way out of my body better than lines like, "Hansel. So hot right now. Hansel." or "You can dere-lick my b*lls." Evidently, these are the kinds of jokes that get me through physical pain. Huggies has been producing great commercials for quite some time- their Little Movers ad was featured on AdBits already, and the sock puppet commercial is good for a few smiles. But now! Now! They release this masterpiece with a Zoolander/male model feel and I'm bursting with love for the entire Huggies organization! Huggies and Kissies to them all, every one!