Wednesday, September 30, 2009

That Does Zit!
Yes. Because when I was in high school the smokin' hot girls always went after guys in chicken suits. They were so dreamy! And here's a little word to the acne-prone wise: if you're that concerned about your skin, getting a job wearing a used, sweaty, stifling chicken costume is not your best bet. Actually, if you're concerned about your life in general, chicken suits are not your best bet. Tres disappointing Clearasil- there are so many better routes to go if you're advertising zit products. Something funny with pizza perhaps? A nice chicken pox reference?

I won't beat down Clearasil too much though, and not just because they maintained my (mostly) zit-free face throughout high school. But because they rescued themselves from... well, themselves with this one: Extra sprinkles for me please!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Birthday Annoyances

Today is my 30th birthday. It's already almost 9:00am, which means I'm way behind my get drunk by 8:00 and stay drunk all day plan. Clearly, there is no time for an in-depth commercial analysis or thought provoking homily (as my entries normally are, right? right?). So here are a couple tirades- no time to YouTube 'em so just keep your eyes peeled (perhaps during The Biggest Loser tonight?)

1. The Lap Band- this is a band that is surgically put around your actual stomach as a weight loss tool. Do they really need to specify pregnant women should not have this surgery? I realize they're just covering their hineys but it seems like that would come up in pre-op.

2. Yaz- I cringe when I see this girl (in da club) explaining there was confusion during Yaz's last commercial and she's going to clear it up. She goes on to explain Yaz can be used for moderate acne but not severe, for birth control but not STD control, for potty training 2 year olds but not 60 year old leaky bladders, for inducing vomiting after binge drinking but not for bulimics, for increasing breast size, but not if you have implants... maybe she didn't say some of that, but the point is she did not clear anything up- she just used a lot of words to confuse viewers. There's a good chance she moonlights as a speech writer for our president.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Viva la Chinchillas!

If you're Las Vegas you better have good commercials. They've been inconsistent with their ads in the past- some funny, some just an attempt at funny. But their recent Chinchilli Day commercial? Love it! I'm pretty sure there are some parts that could be considered offensive (sombrero wearing chinchillas, for example) but as it turns out, I'm more than happy to overlook political incorrectness for a laugh. Additionally, the presumed shooting of the last chinchilla is sure to piss off PETA, which gives the commercial bonus points in my book.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hold the Muffin Top Please

As I try to shed the last several pounds leftover from pregnancy #2, I find myself paying particular attention to weight loss commercials. And mouth-watering food commercials. With Subway, I get a little bit of both. No, I'm not going to shove Jared in your face, and no, I'm not going to sing the $5 dollar foot long song. I'm talking about their good commercials; this one for instance: or

One could argue these are a little offensive- I mean, a badonkadonk butt can be a thing of beauty. And I'm here to tell you my thunder thighs have served me well for many years. Not to mention, one's self-esteem should not rest solely on one's weakness for fast food! But that's a whole different (less funny, more psychological) blog. In all honesty, these fatty phrases, paired with the actors' naive facial expressions and serious tones, are as hilarious as any commercial out there.

Here are a few more for ya: (please note the butt-popping motion this gentleman performs) (the God's honest truth for you sports lovers) (this is not funny to me because I've actually had buttons pop off my pants and go flying across the room- suddenly this commercial becomes a lot less hilarious and a lot more effective).

A Teaser: Tune in tomorrow when we will be observing Chinchilli Day.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Nobody Puts Sandals in the Corner

As resorts go, Sandals seems to be legit (and even classy!), so I was surprised to see their cheesy commercial. Don't get me wrong, I still liked it thanks to their music selection. "I've Had the Time of My Life" summons fond Dirty Dancing memories. Clearly they are appealing to the public's undying love for the movie, and nostalgia for Johnny Castle in particular. Sandals' marketing team stopped just short of showing dance classes taught by sexy, mullet-sporting* Swayze lookalikes. Cheesalicious.

*Never, in all my days, did I think I'd seriously use this oxymoron.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Monday Mystery

I don't have a cat, but it seems like those who do would want their feline to know exactly where to find the litter box. Fresh Step boasts kitty litter that makes finding the box impossible for the cat. Buyers everywhere are going to have wet beds, dirty shoes, and an empty litter box.

Friday, September 18, 2009


This is such a naughty little commercial! I've seen less naughty commercials banned from the airwaves forever! But somehow (sandwich bribery most likely), Quiznos remains free to arouse the American people with their tres risque talking oven. (That's right- I said "arouse!" Anybody who claims to be not even a little turned on by this ad is a boldfaced liar!!!)

Let's rehash:
1. Scott looks downward as he claims he won't do "that" again because it burned. You didn't Scott!! You wouldn't! You couldn't! Did you?
2. The oven's voice puts Morgan Freeman to shame. And he says Scott's name repeatedly. Anybody who hears their name said like that is going to put out. Even if it is an oven.
3. The oven asks Scott to put it in him and then we flash to "foot long flavor". Where does that take your mind? I know where mine goes, and it isn't to a tasty ruler.
4. Our dominatrix-esque oven then has Scott repeat the price sexier and sexier until Scott nails it (!) with his mouth full of yummy sandwich.

By this time my mouth is watering for um... a sandwich. But I gotta feel bad for Scott- he'll forever be the oven's wingman when they go out clubbin'. He just doesn't stand a chance with that smokin' hot oven around.

An aside: why name it the Torpedo? It doesn't suit this sammy at all. I call for a name change. Raise your hand if you'd rather it be called The Penetrator.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Toe Curling Nastiness

Ok Mucinex, I understand why you would take a gross cartoon approach to your very nasty (but necessary! I'm not knocking it!) product. Products like these are stuck between a slimy, snot covered rock and a crap-smeared hard place. What is the appropriate approach to marketing something that brings giggles to elementary school kids everywhere? The Beanos, Mucinexes, and Pepto Bismols of the world do the best they can given their circumstances. Most products alleviating embarrassing bodily functions or fluids take the humorous path, and rightly so! I believe most people have a healthy appreciation for potty humor- even those of us disgusted and embarrassed by such commercials are smiling inwardly as we roll our eyes.

So where to draw the line? The answer is here:
This is similar to the Mucinex commercial and every commercial ever made for athlete's foot, but here's where it differs: the germ lifts the toenail up. Need I say more? You're curling your toes and shivering in horror right now, aren't you? It's too repulsive, and it doesn't even satisfy our inner schoolchild. It is simply, unbearably vile.
I apologize for giving you the visual; I hope Adbits readers are better at filtering these things out of their brains than I am. But if I'm going to lay awake tonight imagining my toenails being pried up then I at least had to make a bloggy effort to recruit some misery to keep me company.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tuesday Night Tubavision

It is possible that when one writes a blog about various commercials, readers may assume he or she is a TV-watching couch potato. But I swear I'm not! I have an actual life! Unless we're talking about Tuesdays between 8 and 10pm. Then The Biggest Loser is my life. I am totally addicted to watching fat people get skinny. Tonight I cozied up with a root beer float and settled in for the season premiere.

Besides watching chubby people lose weight (and the fact that they always show a shot of a full moon before the weekly weigh-ins), I also love the shameless product placements and weight loss commercials every 15 or so minutes. (No, this wasn't just a passionate plug for my favorite show- I'm making it relevant to the blog's actual reason for being).

In the past, BL contestants have enjoyed Subway, 100 Calorie Packs, Extra gum, and enough Brita water to drown Shamu. (The whale reference is strictly coincidental). Anyway, it is clear the ads are targeting an overweight audience on Tuesday evenings. Makes sense, right? Tonight I was interested to see commercials for things like Abilify, an anti-depressant. Perhaps the logic there is that the BL audience is a fat, (and therefore, sad) group in need of happy pills? I'm just speculating here! Or how about Brooke Shields as the Latisse spokesperson? "Attention chunky viewers! Here is a supermodel whose biggest problem is medically diagnosed [?!?!?!] skimpy eyelashes! Feel your esteem plummeting? Well, after you lose a hundred or so pounds, you too can begin obsessing over tiny physical flaws!"

Yes, my Tuesday night "sit on my butt" fests are back in season. And so I say, bring on the fat and bring on the ads!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Let Loose the Moose!

It's always a little weird for me when I see an actor in one commercial and then he or she pops up in another. When the Yoplait chick (of the, "ok I was outside and then I came in" tirade a few blogs ago) showed up on the creepy Verizon commercial ("this is a dead zone") it doubled my hatred for that commercial (can't she ever do a commercial in which she's not a haughty bi- um... hag?) However, my love for Moose (think Enterprise Rent-A-Car ads) is so deep and wide that I had to Google this actor for his real name: Nate Torrence (I prefer Moose, but whatever).

I first noticed Nate in his Enterprise commercials, but was happy to see him again and again stomping for Golden Grahams, Volkswagen, and Capital One (CO ads with David Spade killed me: Torrence also landed a role in the critically disclaimed movie, Get Smart. According to Google findings, he was also in Click with Adam Sandler, but I don't remember him in that (which is unusual because he's normally pretty unforgettable). He's sort of Kevin James-ish with an even sillier edge. For instance: Speaking of silly, I also found in my "research" (can I really call it that? It took all of 20 seconds) he was a state champion gymnast. If that is true (and it must be since I read it on the Internet!) something went terribly wrong with his body between now and then, bless his [chub encased] heart. Of course, I have to believe his chunky physique is what makes him so endearing and provides comic relief to commercials that would otherwise suck (namely the Enterprise ad). So, big spending companies (Coke? Nike? You guys listening?) I say unto you, hire this man! Let loose the MOOSE!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Almost Forgot!

Actually, I did forget yesterday. I forgot to blog! Airhead. I think it's the change of seasons. Sucking the brilliance right out of me. "Brilliance?" you're thinking. Ok, I deserve that.

But what I was referring to in my title is this fabulously hilarious commercial I almost forgot about! I think it aired a couple years ago. It sort of makes me want to go back to work in an office. But only if I can have a Nextel. And work with these specific gentlemen. You know what? Forget it- I can rock out in my own living room. Maybe I should make this a vlog so the world can see my sweet dance moves. Nah, better to leave them guessing.
Nextel led with a winner, but every commercial of theirs I've seen since has been disappointing. Perhaps this is how the Democratic party feels about Obama. (Oo! When did you get so political Jules? Must be the season thing again.)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Freaky Wednesday

In honor of today's freaky date (09/09/09) here is a freakin' funny commercial:

Also freaky:
*Today American Idol announced Ellen DeGeneres as Paula Abdul's placement: another reason for her to get her freak on on national television.

*Nicole Richie and Joel Madden had a son and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden: bound to be a freak

*Obama's addressing the nation about health care: freakin' stupid (and annoyingly commercial-free)

*17 year old Georgia girl is dominating the U.S. Open: she's dating a 15 year old, which if I remember correctly, is pretty freaky to high schoolers.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Naughty Little Ads!

I'm feeling a little impish today, so here are some banned commercials for your viewing pleasure (or discomfort as the case may be).

Pepsi: This is not that risque so I have to believe it was banned because of Brit's poor singing.

Centrum: I didn't know you had it in you you naughty vitamins! Too bad it was banned, I think it would have been wildly successful!

Axe: About 90% of the banned commercials I found belonged to Axe. They're dirty. Consequently, they've got my business! Please note the girl picking her wedgie in this particular banned commercial.

Wendy's: Was this banned because somebody with an accent blew something up? No, I'm serious! Is that why?

Levi's: A predictable ending I thought. What's not predictable is the UK banning this. They're supposed to be the naughtiest bunch of blokes on the planet and they ban this?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Talledega Nights

Yesterday I caught a bit of Talledega Nights on TV. There were enough commercials in the actual movie to supply me with blog material for a year. I've seen the movie before (in the theater believe it or not!) but I was taking a pregnancy test the next morning and was pretty sure I was knocked up so I concentrated on the big screen not at all. (Molly was born T minus 36 weeks later). But I digress. One of my favorite parts of the movie is the dinner scene; the whole family sitting down to a delicious meal of Dominoes, Taco Bell, KFC, etc. Only Peyton Manning has endorsed more products! And of course Will Ferrell's character drives the Wonderbread car. But what company gets the most bang for their buck? Shake and Bake baby! The best "placement" was a product we don't even see! I wish I knew Shake and Bake's involvement in the making of the movie. How does that work? Did the producers contact them? Did the conversation go something like this?

Producers: "We'd like to feature your product in our new movie."
S & B: "Really? You want to feature Shake and Bake? The scrumptious chicken coating?"
Producers: "Yes. It will cost you 5 million dollars for the product placement."
S & B: "Um. This is awkward. We only bring in $25,000 a year."
Producers: "Huh. Is that right?" (muffled talk in the background) "Well, for $2,000 we'll just mention the product a few times but nobody will actually see any Shake and Bake chicken."
S & B: "Did you know we also offer Shake and Bake for pork now?"
Producers:"Tell you what. Send a few boxes of your product over to the set and we'll just work it into the movie free of charge."
S & B: "Deal."

Friday, September 4, 2009

To Love and To Loathe

To Love: Ikea. (cannot find commercial on YouTube :( Just keep watching for it on regular TV)
Admittedly, my fondness for this commercial may stem from my unconditional love for Ikea. But can't we all relate to this? A face plant right into our very own bed after being away from home? Especially (as any fair-skinned redhead can attest) when our skin is aflame with sunburn and the only thing on the planet that will offer any relief is our cool, cool (in my head they're always white) sheets. Ahhhh. The muffled words and captions only add charm and wit to an already refreshing commercial. I love you Ikea! And your little pencils too!

To Loathe: Yoplait
You condescending biz-nitch!!! Of course the seamstress is going to be confused! You tell her you've been mowing down on Boston Creme Pie and the like, and then look at her like she's an idiot when she thinks you want your clothes taken out!! "Ok, I was just outside and now I'm in." This line, delivered in what can only be described as condescending, (or disdainful, patronizing, uppity, etc....) convinces me that I'm simply not a big enough bitch* to eat Yoplait yogurt.

*I realize this is the 3rd variation of the B-word in my last 2 posts. But when you need the word bitch, nothing else will do.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


A poem for Sonic in iambic pandemonium.

Oh Sonic, I love you so
I watch your commercials
during my favorite show.

They make me laugh,
they give me the giggles-
two people talking in a car
my funny bone tickles.

This one below involves tator tots-
funny ad, plus the food doesn't cost lots.

I had a Sonic smoothie
after giving birth.
Nothing tasted better
on this entire Earth.

Too bad for Sonic
they employed Paris Hilton
as well as Nicole Richie.
They're crazy annoying and
SuperSonic bitchy.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Oh Mannequin!

Old Navy. Rarely do I prefer a non-funny commercial to a "funny" one. However, ON was "on" (ha ha) to somethig with their ultra peppy, but entertaining commercials featuring dancers flaunting Bermuda shorts, striped outerwear, and the like. For instance: vs.

The actual dialogue between the mannequins isn't bad, but it's all a little too creepy, ventriloquist-ish for me. The previous campaign was funny in a cheesy way, (I love me some cheese!) but catchy, and (most importantly) it provided me with some of my sweetest dance moves.