Wednesday, November 25, 2009

An Adbits Thanksgiving

Thank you to Boost Mobile,
your pigs are the tops-
I love talking swine
feasting on pork chops.

A thank you to Taco Bell
and Burger King as well;
with your raps and your bun jokes
Who the hell even cares what you sell?

My little beer darlings:
Coors, Miller, and Bud Lite,
I owe you a cold one
for doing commercials up right.

A shout out to Pop Tarts,
Quiznos, and Peyton Manning.
To E-Trade, MasterCard,
And Carrot Top (who's been tanning!)

I must even say thanks
to commercials that I hate
for providing juicy material,
your suckiness makes Adbits great.

So thank you Mucinex
and your mascot who lives in a nose.
Also repulsive is Lamisil,
featuring the fungusy toes.

Thank you drippy nose faucet,
compliments of Mentos candy.
And the Yoplait uber-bitch,
you came in blogging handy.

I thank you for your work,
marketing teams great and sucky,
celebrity endorsers, and commercial actors
I think that you're just ducky.

I especially love my Adbitters,
my readers are the best!
For putting up with my jokes,
mad parentheses, bad puns, and the rest!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Zoom Zoom

Mazda: "Zoom zoom". Has there ever been a sillier slogan? I love it, despite the recent decision by Mazda marketing to have a little boy (?) whisper it in true, "I see dead people" fashion. My question for Mazda, however, is this: when are you going to release an ad featuring Wreckx'n Effect's 1992 hit single, "Rump Shaker"? I mean, truly, all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom. Just shake your rump.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Adbits Redemption

Loyal Adbitters may remember my rant about the creepy Xbox commercials a while back. Not a loyal adbitter? That's cool too- here's the link to icky central: I'm just sayin'. I can think of 360 reasons I hate that ad.

But it's Thanksgiving week and among the things I'm thankful for is the discontinuation (I hope!) of the 1/2 head commercials, and Xbox's new, much cooler ad campaign!! Take a look-see: Can I just say that nobody but nobody can work a windbreaker like Jane Lynch!

Xbox, I hereby pronounce you, Redeemed. You are no longer damned to the lowest depths of Adbits hell. You may resume air wave consumption.

Note: Jonesing for more Jane? Allow me:

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cheerio Sis! Cheerio Bro!

Regarding October 30 Adbit post:
I found it!!! Here it is! Now tell me these two aren't siblings in real life.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bottoms Up

I feel like I should blog about something vampirey in honor of the New Moon release- a Count Chocula commercial maybe? Or the inexplicable Sunny Delight commercial? I mean, I get it- vampires don't like sun, but I think it's a bit of a stretch from impostor o.j. to a (very unsexy) vampire. In any event, I scheduled my much anticipated New Moon viewing for next weekend and decided to go in a totally different, non-Edwardy direction today.... while still discussing moons in another sense.

I think the toilet paper industry does an impressive job- these ads could really suck. I mean we wipe our butts with their product for heaven's sake. But we've got the cute Cottonelle puppy, the pleasant Charmin bears, and our feature product tonight... Scott tissue! I actually have never preferred Scott. I'm buying generic brand these days and still my hiney finds it cushier than Scott. (Yes, that was a spectacularly weird sentence I hope is never taken out of context). But their commercials are great! Take this one for instance: Naturally I love it because it utilizes phrases I use on a daily basis ("Geez Louise" is soooo underrated!), and as you well know, I have an odd penchant for commercials featuring funny costumes. Scott also has the whispering office employees (get it? Because they're so focused on being soft?) A great commercial, but frustratingly enough- not on YouTube!

Have a great weekend Adbitters- enjoy New Moon, drink Sunny D (with vodka?), and revel in your favorite choice of toilet paper.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Crackberries Forever!

This commercial has nothing to do with phones or Blackberries, except one of the dancers apparently owns one. Nonetheless, it is a wildly entertaining commercial and I love it. It's worth watching for the hairstyles alone.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Black and White and Funny All Over

In honor of Friday the 13th, the AdBits camp (me) dug up some freaky throwback commercials. And in true AdBits fashion, added some colorful commentary. Even in the Stone Age cigarette companies were targeting the Bam Bams and Pebbles of the world. What I like about this is not George's stylin' attire or wavy locks (!), but the unnecessarily large Styrofoam case for the burger. Let's hear it for landfills! (Actually back then I believe they were just referred to as "dumps"). I'm sorry, did she say, "you can give your youngsters a lot of pleasure?" That's some word choice barrier we've built in the past several decades. Also, why doesn't anybody have such mad whistling skills these days? I like how Crackle has to dump a cup of sugar on his Rice Krispies before he believes they are good enough to actually eat. I've heard Good and Plentys serve as an aphrodisiac for women. Ladies? True? This would never fly today and that saddens me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Julie's Laws

My brother has long held the position that taking saunas should be a men-only experience (no, he's straight). Unfortunately for him I love me a sweatin' good time (Richard Simmons, eat your heart out!) In fact, it was in the sauna that my dad reminded me of the "Man Law" commercials by Miller Lite. How could I forget such awesomity! Such funnariness! Such brilliantary use of celebrities! Not to mention Miller makes good points. See below for my favorites. Yeah, we don't know where those fingers have been. Boys, I'd like to introduce you to the fist-pound. I'd clink bottoms with you any day Mr. Reynolds. Burt if you're nasty.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gimme An M-E-A-T! Gooooooo Meat!
Is it the ex-cheerleader in me that loves this commercial? Or just Julie the Meat Lover? Who knows? Who cares? All I know for sure is this commercial arouses many feelings for me. Besides making me laugh out loud, it makes me want to:
a) bust out my high school cheerleading uniform and do some freakin' hurkies*
b) eat meat. Now please.
c) move to a neighborhood with houses close enough to join in my backyard chants
d) watch old SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri cheering (the Hillshire Farm moustache guy was clearly inspired by Ferrell, yes?)

*Note: I was unable to find a satisfactory hurkey on YouTube as a demonstration for those unaware of what a hurkey is. If you are reading this and you know me, I'd be happy to attempt one for you in person, however there's a good chance I will not only tear something in my groin region, but also irrevocably ruin my ego.

A second note: The official website for Hillshire Farm is How many erroneous hits do they get on that site?!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Where Can I Get A Pair Of Those Sunglasses?

If you're a lover of commercials like me, I recommend you also become a sports fan. While women are stuck as targets for products with mediocre commercials such as aspirin, weight loss tools, etc., men get the much funnier beer and fast food ads. So when Jim turned on the Viking/Packer game yesterday I did not protest. And the ad gods did not disappoint. Take this little gem for example:

Burger King! Your ingenuity knows no bounds! First, let's acknowledge the (sexy) elephant in the room- Erik Estrada is smokin' hot! Vroom vroom! Chipalicious! Of course, all he adds to the commercial's sex appeal is nullified by Carrot Top's always ridiculous presence. Although he seems to be making some kind of effort in the attractive department. Did he just get back from the University of Beefcake? I know he's been out of the orange tinted limelight for a while, but is that a muscle I see? And... a tan? So confusing! Last I saw he was doing commercials for a phone company, right? Yes! Here it is! Pale Carrot Top uses pay phone! He must have really put the pressure on his agent to get him this gig with Burger King. Working along side Erik Estrada!! Great for the street cred, not so great for the self-esteem! Estrada makes CT look like... ground chuck.