1-800 I'm Beautiful

Of all the 1-800 Contacts commercials, this one is my fave. It's funny in it's own right, but it also reminds me of my little Molly, who (God love her) is very... um, confident. For instance, after soccer practice I asked if she had fun, to which she replied, "Yeah. I'm telling everyone I'm beautiful." Another day my friend was pointing out an airplane to Molly and her boys, "Molly, do you see the airplane?" Molly says happily, "Yes! I see it with my pretty eyes!" What can I say? I'm happy to be raising a girl with self-esteem to spare.

A Pop Right In The Kisser!

Gene Simmons, you are so creepy with your long-ass cow tongue! Also, you are not a doctor! The other ads in this series feature actual doctors! Dr. J for instance. Oo! They should hire Doogie Howser- he's a kind of doctor. Plus, we know he wears deodorant* so he'd be pleasant smelling to work with. Anyway, I will overlook the hiring of Gene Simmons and his limb-like tongue because:

a. I think he's actually a good guy. That's what I hear from my network of Kiss roadies at least.
b. I lovey love love Dr. Pepper. I overdid it in college (I'm sure it was the soda and not the 8 o'clock vodka or amaretto I mixed it with), so now I'm a Diet Coke girl. I do still eat several sticks of Dr. Pepper chapstick every day though.
c. The commercial tosses in a few little people just for the fun of it! I see where they're going with the, "little Kiss" of cherry flavor but it's such a bizarre way to make that point, no? In any event, I love the concept, and would like to shake the man's hand who came up with it.



*Please see May 11 post for details.

Funny Commercial. Period.

Normally I try to avoid blogging about ads only 50% of the population can relate to, but I just couldn't resist this one. My favorite part is the "racially ambiguous" point. However the all white thing? Totally sucks me in. If you're a tampon* commercial claiming I can wear white all month long I'm going to be intrigued. Also? To tell the god's honest truth? I'm happy to see girls wearing bathing suits, leotards, etc. and being active. My point is that while I love this commercial because it's funny, I buy girlie products based on the very points they are snubbing! I just do, ok?



*OMG, please do not let this be the day my entire family starts reading my blog. I swear! Please know I am blushing furiously over here, but a blogger must suffer for her art! To lighten the mood, I am providing a Kotex commercial spoof compliments of Chelsea Handler. (This happens to be a useful commercial too- I now know Uby Kotex is pronounced "you buy" and not "oobee". That may be an answer when I'm on Jeopardy someday- I'd hate to ruin my otherwise perfect game with an incorrect pronunciation).

Collie? More Like COOLIE!

Perhaps the funniest commercial ever. There are so many things I love in this ad: tacos, a redhead, a monkey dressed like a cowboy (I had no idea I loved monkeys dressed like cowboys so very very much until I saw this ad), and border collies. Now, I don't want to brag or be a name dropper, but I can't resist just this one time. Try not to be jealous. My dog (or rather my parents' dog... we got him when I was a senior in high school) is the grandson of the dog who starred in Beverly Hillbillies the movie (circa 1993). You didn't know I hung with such a celebrity crowd did you? Well, believe it!

My own dear Allie, is also a collie but I'm hear to tell you, Hollywood just doesn't cast shelties like they do border collies. So, below is her picture. She'd be happy to talk with any agents who happen to be Ad Bits fans.

I'm all about dogs today! Also, please note my Book of the Week (now, really, my Book of the Whenever I Think To Edit The Sidebar), The Art of Racing in the Rain. Gorgeous book. No monkey cowboys (or tacos for that matter, but pancakes! And jalapenos!) but still a lovely book.



All my girls at Christmas!

Jabbawockeez* Eat Your Heart Out

Know what this commercial is missing? A feisty redhead with sweet moves. Who blogs. About commercials. ME you guys! I'm talking about ME! Have you seen my twirling heli-rotary move? What about my funky chipmunk? Dipsy doodle? No? Well, you've at least heard about my kick-fanny breakitdowns? Seriously? Not ringing any bells? Well, I guess you'll just have to take my word for it then. Just don't be surprised if you see me doing my world famous diggy-diggy-swish move on the next Sears commercial, that's all I'm sayin'.




*A note to the Jabbawockeez: Could you please, please take off your creepy as Oompa-Loompa masks? I had to go to your website to double check the spelling of your crew and nearly wet my adorable, fit my hiney perfectly jeans in fear. Also, if you could kindly respond to my audition tape I would greatly appreciate it.

Good Work (Ya Dumb Doorknob!)

Last year I made an a-s-s of myself at a FedEx Kinkos. The girl helping me was just lovely and so helpful and we were just chatting away. I was super pregnant at the time and she asked how far apart my girls would be. I said, "well, it will vary. Sometimes just a couple inches, sometimes several miles!" Hee hee! Just kidding.

This is what actually happened. She said something like, "can you imagine having 2 babies within 11 months?" I quickly (and with my best horrified tone) replied, "Ohmygosh, no! You'd have to be flippin' crazy!" She laughed like a hyena and pointed to the other worker, "Her kids are 11 months apart!" I felt sheepish, but come on! I was totally set up!

In any event, here is a funny commercial to commemorate my idiocy:

Meet the Bobbles

On order: Bobblehead Husband and Bobblehead 3 year old .

Never again will I hear, "No, we cannot purchase a private jet OR a private island off the coast of Hawaii". Never again will I hear, "NO! I will NOT stop smearing cheese slices on the freshly washed windows!" Once my bobbleheads arrive, every conversation will be with them.
Me: "Bobblehead Hubby, am I getting more and more beautiful and younger looking with every passing day?"
Bobblehead: (nods yes)
Me: "You're too kind! And Bobblehead Daughter, do you promise to stop dumping my very expensive and very new powder eyeshadow on the bathroom floor? You do!? What a dear!"

My delusional life rocks! I have Pepboys to thank for my new Bobblehead Family obsession. They have a cute new commercial out that isn't on YouTube yet. Allow me to recommend a new and wonderful way to waste time at work though! http://www.pepboysgarage.com/#/store Follow this link to create your personal bobblehead! Here is my Molly Bobble (the eyebrows don't compliment her red eyes much, huh?):

I Used To Be A Poet For Pretend

I don't give enough credit to Old Spice. They've made an Ad Bits appearance here and there, but for a company who comes out with such a kick-fanny commercial as this, I haven't given them their due props. So here it is:

An Ode to Old Spice (actually more of an ode to NPH)

I used to love SpeedStick
Especially the scent with the dark green top
Until I saw the Old Spice centaur*
And my sci-fi lovin' heart went pop.

Then they enlisted Doogie Howser,
the only doctor I'll ever trust
When his show went off the air
I kicked and screamed and cussed.

He's back now of course,
in How I Met Your Mother.
When people speculated he was gay
I used to say, "oh brother!"

But it turns out they were right!
Gay men always seem to smell nice
Which is why I trust him when
he says, "buy Old Spice!"
THE END



*


And if you're craving a little more NPH, please click below for his spectacular Sesame Street appearance. If you think he knows his deodorant, wait till you see his take on shoes!

I Wanna Be Like Stifler's Mom

I hope to be a cougar mom someday. Not one that gives my phone number to my kids' friends, but a cougar nonetheless. Happy Mother's Day Cougars.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day Mommies! For all the hineys you wipe, cheeses you grill, toys you step on; for all the spit-up in your hair, baby weight you fight to lose, clothes you go without so baby can go to college; for lost sleep when kiddies have croup, hauling purses weighed down with cheerios, tissues, and teething rings; for washing favorite lovies and replacing before bedtime, singing Old MacDonald for entire hour-long car rides, encouraging proper grammar and good manners; for homework help and knowing when to step back; for cheering at games and for countless prayers prayed... thank you Mommies!!!
For Mother's Day I give you a couple tearjerkers:


The obligatory Hallmark tearjerker:
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article%7C10001%7C10051%7C/HallmarkSite/GoldCrownStores/GCS_COMM

An Udderly Amazing Day

Today I helped a cow give birth. I, who cannot stand to see somebody touch their own eyeball, helped pull a gooey, bloody, darling little bull out of its heifer mommy. It was unreal. Of course, when I say I helped, I mean I pulled for all of 8 seconds before stepping out of the way to let the real farmers do their job. But still. It really was gorgeous.

So, naturally I tried to find an appropriate cow commercial to commemorate my big day on Ad Bits. I did a YouTube search for "milk commercials" and this was my favorite. Even though it's sort of a cop out because it's for milk chocolate. I guess I could've tried to find an ad for bologna (get it? Bull-ogna!?!). Or for chocolate mooooousse. In any event, I think I showed great bravery today; no cowards here. I celebrated Baby Cow's birth by drinking an extra Diet Coke today. What can I say? I need my calffeine. I can see you're in obvious pain from my pathetic puns, but throw me a bone here- this happens like, never. I'd be crazy not to milk it.

Bing On the Cheesy Drama!

There is so much to love about this commercial. Not the least of which is the random (but much appreciated!) use of an eye patch. Why don't more ads feature gentlemen in eye patches? For that matter, why aren't more ads modeled after cheesy Mexican soaps? Let's face it, everything's funnier when there are subtitles involved. Of course these actors are far too talented to appear in actual Mexican soaps. For a more realistic feel we're going to need much worse actors, Bing. I mean, the way this girl snuggles up to hottie on the horse (see second 45) is much too believable. I do, however, appreciate the gust of wind blowing dude's shirt open, the portrait above the mantel, and the slow-mo ride off scene complete with beauty pageant wave and double finger kiss blowing.






Note: Bing, please do not confuse my admiration for this ad with forgiveness for your creepy Shining-esque commercial (see March 4 post for details).

Get Wet

This is such a Willy Wonka idea! Gum that changes flavor? I know what I'm asking for for Mother's Day! You know what this commercial is missing though? Flava Flav. He'd be a totally appropriate spokesperson because Stride is so funkadelic and Flava is ultra-funkadelic. Plus it'd be fun to see him get a cup of water in the face. Who else would I like to see get doused? Well, since you asked:
Stanley Kubrick (everything you do freaks me out to no end!)
Jennifer Granholm (she could take a few cups in the face on behalf of all politicians)
Sam Bernstein (this is turning into a Michigan-specific list. Sorry out of staters. Sam is a crazy sleazy lawyer, whose ads are inescapable and poorly made).
People who throw their hands up in disgust when they want my parking spot and think I'm taking too long getting my kids into their car seats (this has happened to me more than once believe it or not- maybe some steamy water for them).
The entire San Jose Sharks team (frozen water seems appropriate for you- ice cubes to the face!)

Rescue Me, I Want Your Tender Charms

Every now and then the world becomes a better place because of a mere 1 minute, 1 second long commercial. This is such an ad:


Isn't your world brighter now? And safer too I think. It led me to reevaluate the strength of my friends should I ever need them to come flip my car over (Wimpy, you're out; Brutus, you're my new ICE number). And thank goodness he points out the importance of good rescue music! They never did find a winner so I'd like to make a few suggestions:
I Get Knocked Down by Chumbawamba (don't be discouraged if you fall rescuers! It happens to the best of us!)
Allstar by Smash Mouth (Cruelly ironic though, if being rescued after getting mouth smashed.)
Glamorous by Fergie (what? so I prefer an upscale rescue- what's it to ya?)
Sexyback by Justin Timberlake (if I'm flipped over in a car I can't think of anything I'd rather have than my Sexy back).
Rescue Me by Zebrahead (an obvious one, I know, but it's also got a good rescuing beat. Click below to hear).