Suffering For My Art

Ad Bitters, I have taken one for the team. If only you know how insanely disturbed this commercial makes me. If only you knew. I have an inexplicable, ridonkulous fear of m-i-c-e (if you know me, you know I can't even say this word- spelling it helps). For me, viewing this commercial means suffering a night of indescribable nightmares. It means hurling every time I hear "Eye of the Tiger" for the rest of my life (and boooo! how will I ever crush my Russian nemesis without that fabulously inspirational tune!?!) It means gagging on cheese for a year or more. But I know that in the real world, for people less messed up than myself, people probably find it funny and even cute! So with the greater good in mind, I give you.... the Nolan's Cheese commercial.

Yummy Yummy, Look At This Tummy

I have been a negligent blogger. My sincere apologies to those of you who turn to Ad Bits for all your commercial needs! Allow me to offer this (uber-sexy) olive branch as a symbol of my sincere apologies:

My Kind of Diet

Who else saw this commercial and figured it was a parody? Hands? I love you Taco Bell; you serve a crucial, critical, desperate purpose, but it is not to help the people of America lose weight. Notch-o another one up for comic relief though- even if it was unintentional. Thank you too, for the obligatory disclaimer: "These results are not typical". Right. I'm pretty confident they're atypical unless you are currently enjoying twelve chalupas a day. In any event, I fully support Taco Bell and the people who delight in its menu, so if they want to give this a go(rdita) I will only blog about it's ludicrousity this one time. And should they bring back my beloved chili cheese burrito, I vow to delete this post and sing their praises from now until forever.

Ta-taco for now!

Staples Savings Silliness

This gentleman is a great actor. I love him because he could be my Daddy's brain. Daddy would never behave this way in public, but I'm pretty certain this is what's going on in his head when he gets pumped about low prices. Mama of course would grab the closest fellow shopper and encourage him or her to stock up on the great deal. Me, I just pee my pants in excitement over the thrill of ink cartridges running 5% cheaper.

But don't worry, the Easy button seems to still be alive and well. I'm hoping they re-air this back-to-school beauty this summer. Booger. Funny. The boys in my class used to spell boobs. And ok, maybe I did too- but just to see if it worked on my calculator too! (And it did. It's 80085 if you want to plug it in (and I know you do)).

Funky Poodle Silly Words

I was semi-interested in the Vikings/Cowboys game yesterday (I was in a competition to win a football though. A football! So naturally I was watching the game.) I didn't win the football, but there were some A+ commercials on. My favorite though was not a newbie, but one I just hadn't seen in some time. Dirty mouths are funny. Also awesome? The words lint-licker, cootie queen, and kumquat. I say we initiate a movement to incorporate these silly-mcbilly words into our everyday vocabulary! Who's on board? Ad Bitters unite!

A little reminiscent of the Bud Light ad, no? Naughty words in the workplace are noodle-petunia funny!
More funny:

Funny With A Capital F

Can Capital One bring it or what? From David Spade to the barbarian spokesmen, to their "what's in your wallet?" tag line, this marketing team has it goin' on! (old receipts, expired coupons, and about a buck thirty-two in nickels and pennies in case you're wondering). Not to mention, you guessed it! Their liberal use of animals! I'm sure they've got PETA riding their hineys on a daily basis, but it's worth it. Here's a prime example:

Tell the truth now, before you started reading this blog (daily! loyally! right?) did you have any idea how many commercials featured talking beasts? Clearly, the commercial gods favor me to bless me so abundantly with the stupidity and hilarity of animals with things to say.
As an aside, the orangutan was not that bad. I've smooched guys not half as cute.

Pepperonis For My Homies

I can't be sure, but I think I may have been this very pepperoni back in the day. Minus the gum twirling. That's just nast.

I Never TIRE Of This Ad

Molly was given a Mrs. Potato Head for Christmas and It. Is. Awesooooome. I played with it for a full 20 minutes before realizing Molly wasn't even in the room anymore. Lips in the eye hole? Hilarious every single time. This ad makes me want to tear the Michelins right off my car and roll wheel-less to the closest Bridgestone dealer.

And then. As I was YouTube searching for the Potato Head commercial, I found this Bridgestone ad, and remembered how I love it. Because in my head, when I swerve to miss an animal, this is what I imagine is actually happening. Plus, while the screaming animals are funny, the screaming lady is (inexplicably) even funnier.

My My My Meijer

Oh Non-Midwesterners. I have to pity you. To not have the convenience, the glory, the 24-hourness that is the Meijer SuperStore. Frantically searching for Static Guard before an early morning meeting? Meijer. Craving gummi bears during an all-night study session? Meijer. Must have shaving cream at 3:00 am? Meijer. Need to find a cop for a scavenger hunt? Meijer. Not to mention the stellar liquor selection, homemade (probably not) chicken fingers and mac 'n' cheese, live lobsters, and smooth rolling carts!
So naturally, Meijer has awesome commercials. Here's one of my favs:

Here's another, although I'm not sure why it's funny. This is how I always eat.

And one more for good measure.

That's How I Roll

It's high time companies stop it with their selfishness! Hogging the airwaves with ads promoting their own products?! How egocentric can you get?! I am happy to see at least one company using their air time to accomplish something worthwhile; taking the time to officially poll America and get to the bottom (ha ha! you'll get that pun momentarily) of this important sociological question: over or under? We're talking tp of course. Frankly, I think it's a no-brainer. Under if you have tiny kids (thus making it harder for them to unroll the entire thing and cram it into your unsuspecting toilet), and over for a house full of people mature enough to use an appropriate number of squares. Whatever your opinion, go vote. As is the rule with politics- if you don't vote, you can't complain about the outcome.
www.cottonellerollpoll.com
As you can see, under-rolling is bringing up the rear. But who knows? Maybe they'll come from behind to win this thing after all! Tee hee hee.

A note to Cottonelle: Once this is settled, I for one would like to see a poll on bunching vs. folding. Another issue I'd like to see resolved is the oval shaped rolls in many public restrooms. As I hover over a toilet, I don't care to take the time to manually turn the tp. Thank you.

Master of the Universe

As a fake-tea-drinking, bottom-wiping, Dora-watching, SAHM who laughs daily at the thousands of dollars poured into her MBA, I have to give mad props to FedEx for this ad. Additionally, I love the no-nonsense ass on this lady. Work it girl.