Re: Colons*

I've said it before and I'll say it again- I understand some marketing teams have such a crappy (that will be funny in a moment) product their only option is to make a cheesy, self-deprecating (or defecating! again, funny in a sec) commercial. I pity the marketeers who are stuck with Pepto Bismol, Mucinex, Tampax, etc. Topping the list of undignified products is Phillips Colon Health. This is a painful commercial to watch thanks to its level of corniness** but I can't just let it go without note, can I? The dude who posted this on YouTube couldn't resist his commentary, right? So how can I be expected to keep from Ad Bitizing it? Clearly, I can't. I also couldn't keep from visiting their website out of morbid curiosity. It's as respectable as possible, and they offer a "forward this to a friend" option! Naturally, I'll be busy looking up my frenemies' email addresses on Facebook for the rest of the night; a colon cleanse would double as a stick up the butt remover, yes? I've got a busy evening ahead of me!


*Did you get that? Or was it too much of a stretch? I was just gagging to use a colon punctuation in my title.
**Oh dear, that could act as a disgusting pun if that's where your head happens to go.

Look At You, Mr. Tattoo!

I cozied up to my computer today to see what's what in the world this Tuesday. Important goings-on: did the Tigers win? (yes!) Any celebrities have a wardrobe malfunction? (no. Boo.) Did my friends post good Facebook statuses? (as always!)
Msn.com clued me in to some important facts straightaway. It turns out the U.S. may have a sexy new Russian spy (any sexy male spies you'd like to send over Russia? to say... mid-Michigan?), some information on the magical world of houseboats, some 4th of July recipes (the traditional red, white, and blue layered jello was excluded from their list! What's up with that?!), and.... click! Click click click as fast as I can on this juicy headline! Jon Gosselin Unveils New Dragon Tattoo!?!? This is the type of golden article I hope to find every time I log on! Forget the Russian spies! This is news. The Gossinator! Gossaroonie! Gossie McGosserson! Some new ink for TLC's biggest Dink. I think he's such a little twerp, but it did remind me of this old yellowbook.com commercial so thank you for that Jon Bon Weenie.


I like this one too. I expected the wifey to hop on yellowbook.com and search for some kind of new job for her husband, but I love that instead she is hooking herself up with some moola in the case of his untimely destruction.

Dancing Queen

I went to a great party over the weekend where I ran into a couple of my old dance instructors. (Yes, you read that right- back in my thinner, more graceful days I was a ballerina. A poor one, but still!) After the obligatory hugs, judgey looks up and down my less than ballerina-y body, and my guilty, "no I'm not dancing anymore" claims, they snagged my Molly. Molly, apparently had talked with them earlier and my instructors informed me she went on pointe for them and! And! She has a "beautiful arch"! My own arch is beautiful by itself, it's true, but any beauty is negated by my stumpy, talentless body. But Mols may still have a shot at Swan Lake! I'll have to undo and redo her insanely impatient personality, but it will be worth it to have another shot at my dream.

Baby your feet readers! Or turn them into bloody, disfigured nubs like Molly's are destined to be.

I'm Buggin'!!

I got a new computer!!!! Weeeeee! Fancy pantsy! It's so cool and fast and the top is shiny, so when it's closed I can stare at super-cute, technologically hip me! I heart it 4eva! Or at least for a couple years until I'm totally bored of it and gagging for a new, cuter, faster gadgie*.

We've been back in Michigan for two plus years now, but on occasion someone will ask me if I liked living in Florida. My canned answer is, "we're happy to be back, but ask me in February and you may get a different answer". Typically, in February, in Michigan, I've already crashed my car and am driving my husband's junk truck we only keep for when I wreck my car. It makes me crazy cranky, so Februarys are not a great month for me up here. The truth is though, I adore Michigan and would not care to live in Florida for an extended period of time. In large part because of the bugs. They are the size of my fist. The only time I was ever semi-happy to see one was when the Jehovah witness who was pushing through my door spotted the wolf spider before me and ran screaming down the driveway. I ran for a bucket, threw it over the spider (we're talking eight-legged St. Bernard beast here), called the exterminator (whose number I had handy from my last encounter with a mini-Iguana), and then my daddy**, naturally. So for my Floridian friends, and all Ad Bitters who have these unwelcome houseguests- this one's for you.


*Gadgie is a word I just made up; it's short for gadget. You likey? Thumbs up or down?
**This was a task I somehow missed in my Father's Day post. Daddies kill bugs for us and comfort us from states away when tarantula-esque bugs are in the house.

A Zapping Frenzy

It seems like every time I turn around these days, there's a new giant toolbox in the news. Every now and then the tools overflow into the (usually) safe haven of commercials. Such is the case with the Dorito guy, who really screws up; happily, the dog's vengeance hits the nail right on the head. The first time I saw this commercial was during the Superbowl- well done Dorito! Here are a few rottens I'd like to get with the zapper:

1. Jordan van der Sloot. King of the toolbox, now king of his slimy, rodent-infested jail cell.
2. Lawrence Taylor. Ew. And $300? You're a cheapskate and again, ew.
3. James Joyce. I've forgiven you. I truly have. Just an itty bitty zap and I think you'll actually feel better for having paid a penance.
4. The folks who cancelled Veronica Mars. I'd like to punch you to the moon!
5. Chad Ochocinco. You annoy me and Ochocinco is a stupid thing to change your name to. ZAP!

Pretty Little Allstate

Allstate appears to be making a big ad push these days- they have the new "mayhem" campaign as well as a new spokesman (in addition to the black dreamy voice guy we've all come to know and love). I love the mayhem puppy commercial, but I thought it was a little weird they claim the "typical" teenage girl would text while driving and then take off after hitting a parked car. I'm sure there's plenty of that going around, but the teenage girl I like to pretend to be is a bit offended!

I also appreciate their use of the word "mayhem" although I've only seen these commercials while watching Pretty Little Liars and I don't need a scary word like "mayhem" coming at me when I have enough horror on my plate. Have you seen PLL yet? I can't believe I've watched it twice now. It freaks my sh** OUT! A pansy like me has no business watching this show; I only watch it when Jim is home, but it seems to make no difference. Apparently my nightmares are out of his jurisdiction. If you're a brave one I highly recommend the show, it's quite compelling. If you're pansy by day and pansier by night, steer clear!

Happy Father's Day Swagger Dads!

No. No! It is too funny! Too funny for television apparently, because I've never seen it on the tube. My super helpful husband stumbled upon it and scored himself beaucoup points (and more importantly (?) a coveted shout-out on Ad Bits!) While I love the Taco Bell music video, (see 8/07/09 post: http://adbits.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-taco-bell-my-love.html) because so often it really is all about the Roosevelts baby, this vide-ad kicks TB's a**. My favorite parts? I love the dangling paci in the beginning, the slo-mo bouncing diapers, the mini piano (which we have, and I'm just curious. How are my babies supposed to achieve their protegee-ness when they only have four keys to work with? Just wondering.), and I love the cupcake reference because like Swagger Mommy, I take an unfounded pride in my cupcake decorating skillz. Holla.