I Used To Be A Poet For Pretend

I don't give enough credit to Old Spice. They've made an Ad Bits appearance here and there, but for a company who comes out with such a kick-fanny commercial as this, I haven't given them their due props. So here it is:

An Ode to Old Spice (actually more of an ode to NPH)

I used to love SpeedStick
Especially the scent with the dark green top
Until I saw the Old Spice centaur*
And my sci-fi lovin' heart went pop.

Then they enlisted Doogie Howser,
the only doctor I'll ever trust
When his show went off the air
I kicked and screamed and cussed.

He's back now of course,
in How I Met Your Mother.
When people speculated he was gay
I used to say, "oh brother!"

But it turns out they were right!
Gay men always seem to smell nice
Which is why I trust him when
he says, "buy Old Spice!"
THE END



*


And if you're craving a little more NPH, please click below for his spectacular Sesame Street appearance. If you think he knows his deodorant, wait till you see his take on shoes!

I Wanna Be Like Stifler's Mom

I hope to be a cougar mom someday. Not one that gives my phone number to my kids' friends, but a cougar nonetheless. Happy Mother's Day Cougars.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day Mommies! For all the hineys you wipe, cheeses you grill, toys you step on; for all the spit-up in your hair, baby weight you fight to lose, clothes you go without so baby can go to college; for lost sleep when kiddies have croup, hauling purses weighed down with cheerios, tissues, and teething rings; for washing favorite lovies and replacing before bedtime, singing Old MacDonald for entire hour-long car rides, encouraging proper grammar and good manners; for homework help and knowing when to step back; for cheering at games and for countless prayers prayed... thank you Mommies!!!
For Mother's Day I give you a couple tearjerkers:


The obligatory Hallmark tearjerker:
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article%7C10001%7C10051%7C/HallmarkSite/GoldCrownStores/GCS_COMM

An Udderly Amazing Day

Today I helped a cow give birth. I, who cannot stand to see somebody touch their own eyeball, helped pull a gooey, bloody, darling little bull out of its heifer mommy. It was unreal. Of course, when I say I helped, I mean I pulled for all of 8 seconds before stepping out of the way to let the real farmers do their job. But still. It really was gorgeous.

So, naturally I tried to find an appropriate cow commercial to commemorate my big day on Ad Bits. I did a YouTube search for "milk commercials" and this was my favorite. Even though it's sort of a cop out because it's for milk chocolate. I guess I could've tried to find an ad for bologna (get it? Bull-ogna!?!). Or for chocolate mooooousse. In any event, I think I showed great bravery today; no cowards here. I celebrated Baby Cow's birth by drinking an extra Diet Coke today. What can I say? I need my calffeine. I can see you're in obvious pain from my pathetic puns, but throw me a bone here- this happens like, never. I'd be crazy not to milk it.

Bing On the Cheesy Drama!

There is so much to love about this commercial. Not the least of which is the random (but much appreciated!) use of an eye patch. Why don't more ads feature gentlemen in eye patches? For that matter, why aren't more ads modeled after cheesy Mexican soaps? Let's face it, everything's funnier when there are subtitles involved. Of course these actors are far too talented to appear in actual Mexican soaps. For a more realistic feel we're going to need much worse actors, Bing. I mean, the way this girl snuggles up to hottie on the horse (see second 45) is much too believable. I do, however, appreciate the gust of wind blowing dude's shirt open, the portrait above the mantel, and the slow-mo ride off scene complete with beauty pageant wave and double finger kiss blowing.






Note: Bing, please do not confuse my admiration for this ad with forgiveness for your creepy Shining-esque commercial (see March 4 post for details).

Get Wet

This is such a Willy Wonka idea! Gum that changes flavor? I know what I'm asking for for Mother's Day! You know what this commercial is missing though? Flava Flav. He'd be a totally appropriate spokesperson because Stride is so funkadelic and Flava is ultra-funkadelic. Plus it'd be fun to see him get a cup of water in the face. Who else would I like to see get doused? Well, since you asked:
Stanley Kubrick (everything you do freaks me out to no end!)
Jennifer Granholm (she could take a few cups in the face on behalf of all politicians)
Sam Bernstein (this is turning into a Michigan-specific list. Sorry out of staters. Sam is a crazy sleazy lawyer, whose ads are inescapable and poorly made).
People who throw their hands up in disgust when they want my parking spot and think I'm taking too long getting my kids into their car seats (this has happened to me more than once believe it or not- maybe some steamy water for them).
The entire San Jose Sharks team (frozen water seems appropriate for you- ice cubes to the face!)

Rescue Me, I Want Your Tender Charms

Every now and then the world becomes a better place because of a mere 1 minute, 1 second long commercial. This is such an ad:


Isn't your world brighter now? And safer too I think. It led me to reevaluate the strength of my friends should I ever need them to come flip my car over (Wimpy, you're out; Brutus, you're my new ICE number). And thank goodness he points out the importance of good rescue music! They never did find a winner so I'd like to make a few suggestions:
I Get Knocked Down by Chumbawamba (don't be discouraged if you fall rescuers! It happens to the best of us!)
Allstar by Smash Mouth (Cruelly ironic though, if being rescued after getting mouth smashed.)
Glamorous by Fergie (what? so I prefer an upscale rescue- what's it to ya?)
Sexyback by Justin Timberlake (if I'm flipped over in a car I can't think of anything I'd rather have than my Sexy back).
Rescue Me by Zebrahead (an obvious one, I know, but it's also got a good rescuing beat. Click below to hear).